


On time, space and bodies

by akaknight



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21732211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaknight/pseuds/akaknight
Summary: Where Rue is reflecting upon her own insecurities and anxieties but understands how she herself is shifting and growing, becoming ever more self-aware. In one way or another. She also equates Jules into her growth.Where Jules is wakened in the middle of the night unsuspectingly.
Relationships: Rue Bennett/Jules Vaughn
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	On time, space and bodies

My eyes flutter open, it takes some time for me to adjust to the soft night light emanating from the window, my body feels hot, the sheets are sticking to my back and my muscles ache. I breathe out all my air, breathe in half of my lung capacity, breathe it all out then breath in everything I can.

Finally, I feel my body sink in the heat beneath me, relaxed.

I look off to the window, I can feel the wind blowing outside, on my back, I don’t really feel it but I know it is there, much like the panic inside my chest, I don’t feel it but it still chills me, because I know where it lies. It took me sometime to understand what it meant, to feel but to not exist, to want to not exist as so to not feel, think, hurt. To grasp concepts, I couldn’t start to imagine, levels of abstraction my brain cramped up at, my hands clasped at and my eyes shut off to.

It feels unspeakable to be somewhere you can’t place anything at, my brain worked for me and against me. Sometimes, I wished I didn’t care so much for myself, so I could just go by feeling lost, wandering, existing, not caring.

But my hands clasp warm sheets.

Time feels unbearable, it is hard to explain, but my stomach doesn’t cramp at it anymore. Time is non-existing, but it happens, a second is measurable – by a movement, by a word, by a sound. But when you are lost on your own head, time is not a measurement, it is an impossibility, that does not exist, cannot exist, yet it commands everything. And so, without time, not knowing where you are, you don’t exist. You are in a limbo, stuck, in yourself. It feels like purgatory. Because you hate yourself, and even though nothing is happening it feels like drowning. That really is what made me want to stop existing.

“You take the stairs of a building, knowing it has 2496 steps, from bottom to top and there were only those two doors, and your start off, counting the steps, because that’s the only indicator you have. You keep on going, your legs hurt, and you already lost your count, you keep climbing because you have a goal, but it is getting harder to breathe, and all you see is more stairs being born in front of your eyes, ruthless cement block after ruthless cement block, your body is incredible hot. You can’t place yourself, you don’t know if you have less than half to go, or if you have just started, all you know is that you need air, and you don’t know where you should run off to, up or down.”

My hand was held strongly, and my heart beat slow and steady

“That’s when you feel dizzy, and you start feeling like you are losing control of your body. You are stuck in a finite space, that you no longer know nothing about, feeling lost in a clear, dying in time and space. Other people would run up or down, doesn’t matter. But I sink in myself. Time and space don’t exist. But I do, and I don’t really want to.”

I felt calm recounting this, but she held on to me as hard as she could, sinking my head in her chest, and her heart was beating out of it. I felt a tear fall onto my face, it felt warm but as it slipped on my skin, I felt its cold facet, she was hurting for me, unlike I was doing for myself. I felt a cold trail on my face, and her grip on me strengthened. In that instant though, all that was taking my breath away was her.

I should have seen it coming, months ago, when I told her that story, when I felt my breathing grow short but my panic not install.

Something was shifting, hard.

Familiarity is important to me. It gives me time to understand what is happening. And Jules ripped that away from me. She is fast, supersonic, she is the speed of light – time doesn’t matter to her. Jules is a different kind, she really is. Her movements are so unburdened, even though she is – I know she is. But it really means nothing to her, she moves so gracefully fast, her walk, when she walks down the school isle next to me, pulling me along to class, her hands when she recalls an especially funny detail on a story, her mouth, her lips, her tongue.

I lay my back on her chest, and I still see the wind outside. But now my body doesn’t feel the wind, it feels her naked skin on mine. I turn to her — chest exposed, hair all over her face, closed eyes, even breathing, clearly sleeping. Looking more beautiful than ever in her peaceful stillness. Jules hardly ever stops when she is asleep, she only quiets down when she is dreaming. I wonder what she dreams about.

I rotate my body in her loose embrace, her arms slung over my waist meant to keep me close are now hanging relaxed and unrestrained. She feels so good. Soft and warm, yet strong, long slender limbs and elongated torso so beautiful. I stroke her stomach, with the tips of my fingers sketching small invisible patterns soothing myself.

I love her.

Deeper.

Something about my movements stirs her. Her eyebrows frown and she readjusts her initial embrace on my waist, pulling me to her neck unconsciously. I glimpse at a content smile before her face relaxes once more into a sleeping state.

I changed before I could notice it.

I want to wake up Jules and kiss the sleep out of her.

Sometimes feelings still overwhelm me, but these days emotions are more manageable.

Right now, Jules is overwhelming me, the more I look at her, the more I want to kiss her, and touch her and have her. My brain is so focused on her, that I can feel energy piling up on my chest and legs from the excitement.

I can’t contain myself.

I sling my arms over her shoulders and kiss her neck. Hard.

She clearly feels it, a grunt escaping her open mouth. I see her jaw lock and her brow shut hard, when she relaxes, her eyes open heavily and look down to me.

“Rue ”

“I just wanted to say hi” my lips suck at her jaw.

“Clearly” Jules chuckles as her hands move from my waist to my ribs, pressing me against the mattress as she changes our positions, sitting on my waist and pinning me down.

She sits upright, towering over my body and looks down at me grinning. I can still see the sleep in her dark eyes, but I also see so much more.

“Hi, there” she giggles this time, I can feel how happy she is. My chest that was stuck on inhaling, exhales loudly as a laugh escapes my lips at her overjoyed expression.

“You make me so happy. It almost feels unfair.” along with the laugh, truth breaks out from my chest. I feel myself get surprised at my own words. But Jules just grins harder.

“Unfair? I hope not, I think it’s pretty fair for you to feel like this” she lowers her lips slowly into mine, kissing me softly “since you make feel the same way” she whispers.

Jules furthers her face from me and I can see her eyes darken.

How is it possible.

She gets closer to my ear “You know Rue, I hope you’ve wakened me for a good reason” she bites my ear, hard enough that my body shivers all over.

I place my hands on her lower back and force her down, inverting our positions once more. She sits on my lap facing me, further apart my legs under her.

It almost feels impossible how I am so grounded in this moment, time and space so present on me. Jules flings me away from the surface of this earth, makes my mind race, my lungs quicken, my heart beat so hard, but at the same time, Jules gives me a place to stop. Be in her hands, grins, looks, embrace or body — Jules is where I catch up my breath.

And where I subsequently lose it.

She looks hard at me, expectant of my next move. I can feel the buzz in her body, tensing up at every moment that passes. I take her breath away.

I push her down onto the mattress and press myself into her hard, she turns her face away from me and bites her lip, exposing her high neck making it impossible for me not to lunge at it. As I kiss her, I place a hand on her chest. I make her heart pound.

Suddenly I stop. I raise myself and look at her eyes.

She looks confused.

But my body is convulsing, my blood is boiling, my legs are shaking, my breathing is uneven, my chest is so tight, my mind is a chaos. I feel so excited, I can’t process the feeling of my body on Jules. I want her so much, to feel her, to take her and make her shiver and moan, I want to sink my body into her and turn Jules into pleading mess. It’s so much. I want too much. My body feels so tight and ready to burst and collapse.

Jules still looks at me, waiting steadily.

“You are so much” I avert her eyes and look at her chest, still heaving. “I want to touch you so much, everywhere. I want to bite, squeeze, scratch. I want to kiss, and suck and lick. I want to untangle you with my hands and mouth. I want to make you feel everything there is to feel. Hard.” I look timidly at her face.

” I feel overwhelmed at how much I want you Jules.”

Her expression is serious and non-dismissive. But I see her eyes gleam, the buzzing of her body intensifies. Jules is so eager.

“Don’t hold back.” She presses her palms firmly on my thighs “Take your time, I’m not going anywhere. I want you just as much as you want me, Rue. I almost can’t contain myself. But we have time.” She squeezes my legs, I breath out easier.

“It’s ok to feel overwhelmed” she relaxes her back further into the mattress and a smirk shows on her lips “But Rue,” she places her hands under her head and spreads her legs under me “Please, show me want you meant to untangle me.” The soft, sincere pleading in her voice clears my head somehow.

I look up and chuckle softly, feeling my body relax at the gentle crashing of her words.

“Jules” I smirk “I know just where to start.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Please let me know if you liked the story, and if I should keep writing it.


End file.
